"Who's in Charge?" - Thoughts on Gender Roles and Genesis 3

I once had a conversation with a fellow pastor and we somehow ended up talking about gender roles in marriage. I was advocating for a more “everybody-is-equal” point-of-view, and he was telling me how weak I am for holding that opinion. “The man is supposed to lead and be in charge,” he said. And so he challenged me: “So in your marriage, who’s in charge?”

“Why does anyone need to be in charge?” I asked. “Isn’t the idea of marriage that you’re supposed to be partners?”

“Well, sure,” he said. “But if you have to make a big decision, and the two of you can’t come to an agreement, who gets the final say?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t mean to sound naïve, but I’d like to think we’d keep working through the issue until we find a compromise.”

“But what if you can’t come to a compromise?” the other pastor said. “What would you do then?”

“I have no idea,” I said. “I can’t imagine what kind of scenario would call for that. Are we talking about diffusing a bomb or something?”

He wouldn’t let up.

I know what he wanted me to say. He wanted me to concede to his assertion that ultimately the man rules the household and that any perceived power held by the wife is merely an illusion.

There is a Bible verse that people sometimes use to propel this point-of-view. In Genesis 3, humanity has deviated from its original path and has chosen a more destructive way of life. At a certain point in the story, God enters the dialogue and speaks to humanity. In verse 16, this God says to the woman in the story:

“Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

And so for thousands of years, people have taken this verse and said, “You see? The man is supposed to rule over the woman. Even God says so!”

Here’s the problem with that method of thinking: Genesis 3:16 is a curse. It appears in a string of passages in which God is making observations about what a broken world will look like. This is a lament over what has been lost in the process of eating the wrong fruit and choosing the wrong path.

In other words, Genesis 3:16 is not God saying, “Now go and do this.” Instead, the verse is essentially God saying, “Don’t you see what you’ve done?”

It is a curse.

It is a lament.

It is a description of a broken reality.

The first two chapters of Genesis describe a state of reality that is good and whole—the way things were meant to be. The third chapter of Genesis describes what happens when all of that goodness and wholeness falls apart.

Hebrew scholar Nahum Sarna says it this way:

“It is quite clear from the description of woman in [Genesis 2] that the ideal situation… was absolute equality of the sexes. The new state of male dominance is an aspect of the deterioration in the human condition” (JPS Torah Commentary, Genesis).

What’s being described in Genesis 3:16 is what happens when we choose a broken path. God is saying, “For the rest of time, there will be women who struggle with their own sense of identity because they will define themselves by their relationships. They will find their worth in how other people interact with them. And then there will be men who will exploit that and leverage all kinds of power and manipulation over these women.”

So thank goodness things have changed so much.

It’s not insignificant that the passage that immediately follows verse 16 talks about how the man will work tirelessly by the sweat of his brow and he will thanklessly labor until he dies.

I work in an air conditioned room in which I almost never break a sweat, and I really love what I do. So are my lack of sweat and feeling of fulfillment signs that I am being disobedient to God? Should we shame men who love their jobs because Genesis 3:19 says that we will toil and struggle all the days of our lives?

When we find circumstances in the world around us that contradict what we see in Genesis 3:16-19, we should celebrate it. This means we have somehow—in a very small way—transcended the curse. We have found something good and beautiful in the midst of the chaos. If you find a person who loves his job or a marriage based on mutual respect and submission, you are witnessing someone who has overcome something dark and has reclaimed something beautiful about reality.

So here’s what we need to do: We need to stop treating Genesis 3:16 like a “life verse.”  Stop citing this passage as the way things were meant to be, because it isn’t. We were created for something better than that.

Our role in the world is to reclaim the goodness and beauty that was originally created, not to wallow in the brokenness and claim it as God’s will.

So who’s in charge in our marriage? Neither of us. We submit to one another, because that’s the reality we were created to live within.

Two Books You Should Read

Here’s one of my biggest problems with the Christian publishing industry: Books written by women are largely marketed only to other women.

I realize that this problem is much bigger than various marketing departments—it is indicative of the evangelical culture in general—but it is a problem.

Books written by men range in topic and intended audience. Yes, some male-authored books are marketed specifically to male readers (specifically books on how to be more “manly” for Jesus by riding motorcycles and getting cross-themed tattoos) while others have a wider appeal, readable for both men and women. We don’t often think it’s weird for women to read books by male authors (truthfully, if that happened, male authors would starve to death because women read significantly more than men do, but that’s another topic for another blog post).

On the other hand, in the Christian publishing market, it is a rare thing for men to seek out and read books authored by women. Last year, I was reading an excellent book by Shauna Niequist entitled Cold Tangerines. A friend of mine saw that I was reading this book and said, “Isn’t that a girl book?”

It wasn’t his fault; it’s the marketing and the culture. I told my friend that the book had been written by a woman, but it was really a book for anybody.

In the past year or so, I have discovered several great female writers, and I always feel disappointed when I recommend these authors and their books to my male friends only to be responded to with the question, “Aren’t those girl books?”

Can we please agree to stop thinking this way?

There are too many powerful voices currently participating in the global conversation to isolate ourselves from half of them. So I want to specifically recommend two books that were written by women and have titles that may lead some male readers to skip them. But what I want people to know is that these books need to be read by everyone—especially men.

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The first book I want to recommend is Rachel Held Evans’s A Year of Biblical Womanhood. Like I said, the title may confuse some of us enough to keep us from reading this book, but don’t let that happen. This book explores many misconceptions of how women are spoken about in the Bible and releases us all (men and women) from unnecessary and unhelpful expectations.

Buy on Amazon

The second book I want to recommend is Sarah Bessey’s recently published Jesus Feminist. Not only is Bessey one of the best wordsmiths I have encountered in a long time, she fearlessly treads into a conversation covered in potential landmines, and she does so with an astounding amount of grace and poise.

Rachel Held Evans and Sarah Bessey—along with Shauna Niequist, Sarah Cunningham, Susan Isaacs, Lauren Winner, Nadia Bolz-Weber and so many others—are adding their necessary voices to the ongoing conversation of faith and life, and I am so grateful that they are.

So men, here’s the challenge: You need to start reading books that women are writing.

It’s not just about equality or fairness—it’s about being part of a vibrant, relevant conversation. If you want to miss it, that’s your choice I suppose. As for me—not only for myself, but for my wife, my daughter, and my son—I will listen to these great voices, and I will continue learning from what they have to say.

What Can Women Do?

A few years ago, I was preaching at a church and, just as the worship music began (which signals that the preacher has somewhere between fifteen and thirty minutes until his microphone is turned on), someone came and told me that two ushers had not shown up and asked if I could help recruit a couple people to pass the offering plates at the end of the service.

Okay.

So, I started asking people—most of whom I did not know—if they would mind passing the offering plates. One woman I asked said, “Oh, I’d love to! But I don’t think I’m allowed to do that.”

“Why aren’t you allowed?” I asked, wondering if she had a criminal record or something.

“Well, isn’t that something men are supposed to do?”

I had no response. I didn’t know all of the ins-and-outs of this particular church, but I thought certainly she was mistaken. But I was now more interested in the outcome of this inquiry than I was in the sermon I was supposed to preach in roughly nine minutes.

We found one of the main church leaders and asked if it would be okay if this lady served as an usher. The church leader crinkled his nose and looked down at the floor as if he were trying to solve an impossible math problem.

He finally said, “Well, I guess it would be okay.”

So this very kind, servant-hearted woman was granted permission to touch the offering plate.

I cannot tell you how much it bothered me that we had to go to that much trouble just to find out if a woman could serve as an usher.

There is a pervasive mentality in lots of churches that women should not be “allowed” to serve in specific kinds of ministry roles simply due to the fact that they are women.

What a waste. I’ve seen what women can do in the name of this Jesus that we serve, and it is a remarkable and powerful thing. One woman who serves as a constant reminder of this is my wife Caroline.

In the past few months, Caroline has been forced to endure lots of frustration and confusion, and none of it has been her fault. Because of the nature of my career path and my profession of choice, Caroline (along with my children) has had to be more adaptable and patient than she probably ever expected. And she has done it all with an unbelievable amount of grace and strength.

In spite of everything, she continues to lead a ministry devoted to helping teenage mothers.

She continues to serve people through her gifts as an artist and a photographer. She even designed this website.

She continues to be a better parent to our children than I will ever hope to be.

She comforts others when they are in pain, and she loves the people in her life with all her heart even when she herself is in agony.

So, can women pass the offering plates?

You’ve got to be kidding me.

In her book A Year of Biblical Womanhood (as well as her blog), Rachel Held Evans frequently uses an expression to celebrate women who exhibit Christ-like strength: “Woman of Valor!”

That is my wife. She is a true woman of valor, and she is my constant reminder of what women can do if we (i.e., male church leaders) will simply get out of the way.

Do you know any women of valor?